Even if I get one someday... I'll still be the guy who get a girl after Sheldon Cooper!

- Excuse me, I have something to say.

None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend.

It was gonna be like the old days.

The four of us hanging out...

playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one without a girlfriend?

Even if I get one someday...

I'll still be the guy who get a girl after Sheldon Cooper!

- And that's how a girl makes a scene.

<The Big Bang Theory, s05ep19, The Weekend Vortex>

Yes to all!

- Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend.

Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon.

- Movies or video games?

Or board games?

Or trading card games?

Or Legos?

Or dress-up?

Or comic books?

Or dramatic readings of novelization?

Yes to all!

<The Big Bang Theory, s05ep19,The Weekend Vortex>

She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky and people still call her great.

Amy: Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?

Penny: No.

Amy: She ruled Russia in the late 1700s, and one night when she was feeling particular randy

...she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.

Penny: ...I'm sorry, but what does this have to do with me?

Amy: She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky and people still call her great.

I'm sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.

<The Big Bang Theory, s05ep10, The Skank Reflex Analysis>

I mean, the warning signs were there. This is really on you.

Bernadette:

Wait a minute.

You set me up with Howard.

Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?

Penny:

Oh, a little. You hear stuff.

Bernadette:

Why don't you tell me?

Penny:

Well, I was gonna but I didn't think it would go past the first date.

When it did, I thought for sure it wouldn't go past you meeting his mother.

Definitely not pass when you two sleeping together.

I mean, the warning signs were there.

This is really on you.

<The Big Bang Theory, s05ep22, The Stag Convergence>

Robots Versus Wrestlers

Kids, I'd love to tell you that over the years, we didn't all drift apart a little at one time or another.

You don't mean for it to happen, but it does.

But no matter what, to this day, come hell or high water, we still all get together every year for Robots vs. Wrestlers.

<How I Met Your Mother, s05ep22, Robots Versus Wrestlers>

New Relationship Smugness

- You want to talk about yesterday?

Safe space.

- You,y friend, are suffering from a little-known condition, called "New Relationship Smugness".

You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase. Everything's perfect.

Every song on the radio is about you.

Every other couple sucks.

- Aw, look at you.

Had a girlfriend for five minutes, and you think you can play with the big boys, adorable.

Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail

and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio.

I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep.

I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand

and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep.

Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.

<How I Met Your Mother, s05ep6, Bagpipes>

I'm too old for this shit

The Murtaugh list, is something that came into being around the time I turned 30.

Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, I realized there was only one person in the world that I could relate to.

Detective Roger Murtaugh,

played by Danny Glover, in the 80's noir masterpiece "Lathal Weapon".

Known for his oft-quoted catchphrase:

"I'm too old for this shit"

It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

there is just certain things you can't do anymore.

Like I can still pull an all-night.

Or eat entire pizza in one sitting.

Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

<How I Met Your Mother, s04ep19, Murtaugh>

And you got our wedding vows off the Internet

- Just a burger? Robin,

it's so much more than a burger.

That first bite,

oh, what heaven that first bite is.

The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below.

Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux.

And then... a pickle,

the most playful little pickle, then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a

a party of ground beef so..

exquisite,

swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savories so.. delightful.

This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin.

This is God

speaking to us through food.

- ...And you got our wedding vows off the Internet.

<How I Met Your Mother, s04ep2, The Best Burger in New York>

You are sad, you are beaten down.You'll get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap

(Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews)

"You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused!"

(A Lot of interviews)

"You are flexible on salary, you are willing to compromise, you're not gonna cry this time."

(TOO many interviews)

"You are sad, you are beaten down.

You'll get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap."

<How I Met Your Mother, s04ep2, The Best Burger in New York>

There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean. And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.

- It's New York City. You knew, plenty of fish in the sea.

- Plenty of fish in the sea?

Yes, there's none million people in New York, 4.5 million women.

Of course, you wanna meet somebody roughly your own age, let's say, plus-minus five years.

So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with: 482,000.

But, ah, wait, 48% of those are already in relationships, and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor, and compatibility.

And then take out the ex-girlfriends, and the relatives, and oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

And then that leaves us with: eight women.

- That can't be right. Eight?

- There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean. Ted.

And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.

- You take credit cards?

<How I Met Your Mother, s1ep7, Matchmaker>

Moist Maker

- You see my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches.

Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle

I call it the Moist Maker.

Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here…

- Oh, you know what?

I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.

- You ate my sandwich?

- It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

- Oh-oh really?

Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?

- ...No.

- Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?

- There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.

- That said it was my sandwich!

- Now-now calm down.

Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

- What?

- Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

- You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away!

MY SANDWICH?!!!

<Friends, s05ep9, The One with Ross's Sandwich, 1998>

until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer

The entire institution of gift-giving makes no sense.

Let's say I go out and I spend $50 on you.

It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need where you know what you need.

I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly..

and then you could give me $50 on my birthday and so on...

until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and $50 richer.

And I ask you, is it worth it?

<The big bang theory s01ep16, The peanut reaction>

I suggest Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

- Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game

Rock, Paper, Scissors

players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80 percent of the time..

due to the limited number of outcomes.

I suggest

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

- It's very simple.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock,

Rock crushes lizard,

Lizard poisons Spock,

Spock smashs scissors,

Scissors decapitates lizard,

Lizard eats paper,

Paper disporves Spock,

Spock vaporizes rock,

and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

<The Big Bang Theory, s02ep8, The Lizard-Spock expansion>

Little Miss Grown-Ups-Don't-Play-With-Toys.

You hypocrite.

Little Miss Grown-Ups-Don't-Play-With-Toys.

If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie babies?

Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies?

And who's that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts?

Hello hello Kitty.

<The Big Bang Theory, s01ep14, The Nerdvana Annihilation>

Leonard. I still don't care

Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Leslie.

I'm not gonna pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with the woman who may or may not want me to be happy..

with the woman who is currently making me happy.

Shaldon: Leonard.

Leonard: Yeah?

Sheldon: I still don't care.

<The Big Bang Theory, s01ep5, The hamburger postulate>

Because Love is the best thing we do.

It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle,

and not everything along the way was perfect.

To be honest,

not everything to follow would be perfect either.

But what is?

Here is the secret, kids:

None of us can vow to be perfect.

In the end, all we could do is promise to love each other with everything we've got.

Because Love is the best thing we do.

<How I Met Your Mother, s09ep22, The End of the Aisle>

You will be shocked kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.

And that's how it go, kids.

The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies

and partners in crime you love so much when you're young,

as the years go by, you just lose touch.

====

You will be shocked kids,

when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.

That's why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.

<How I Met Your Mother, s9ep21, Gary Blauman>

Rally

Kids, no matter how hard it try,

even the best of us go a little too wild sometimes.

And in those moments, we all need someone who loves us to help us rally.

Even if that means lying once in a while.

<How I Met Your Mother, s09ep18, Rally>

Even when people roll their eye or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then!

If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone

beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want,

no matter how much it destroy you, it's love.

And when you love someone, you just, you don't stop, ever.

Even when people roll their eye or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then!

You don't give up. Because if I could give up...

if I could just take the whole world's advice

and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love.

That would be... some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.

<How I Met Your Mother, s09ep17, Sumrise>

It's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was, kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win again

Tracy: I'm on permanent hiatus in the love department.

I guess I'm old-fashioned.

I believe that each of us only gets one. And I got mine already.

I was in love with somebody a long time ago,

and he died.

It's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was,

kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win again.

<How I Met Your Mother, s09ep16, How Your Mother Met Me>